The plan

‘Awake craniotomy’ aren’t words you really want to hear during a discussion about your impending future, but that’s what happened to B yesterday. We met with The Business, who exuded the professional calm you would expect from a top neurosurgeon. It made the information he delivered slightly more palatable – but only slightly.

I’m not going to go into the gory details here, it would be depressing for me to impart and for you to read. I can’t lose my 2 followers just yet. Suffice to say that B will be having a 4-5 hour operation, and he will be conscious for around 2 of those hours. The Business will electrically stimulate his brain to provoke a reaction and determine which parts can be safely removed. I imagine B will be shouting ‘I need that bit!’ at the appropriate moments.

The aim is to remove as much of the tumour as possible. We won’t know about follow-up treatment until they get the sucker out and subject it to a lengthy interrogation.

The Business: What were you doing on the afternoon of April 29th?
Tumour: I can’t recall. I’m trying to focus on rapid cell division, I can’t keep note of everything I get up to.
The Business: I put it to you, sir, that you were responsible for an abnormal paroxysmal discharge of cerebral neurons in Mr B’s brain that afternoon!

I think it will go something like that.

We’ll know the date for surgery early next week, but it’s likely to be the week after that.



  1. megan crawford · · Reply

    Christ!! All I can think of is ER…am sure I saw one of those ops on there…that and Seinfeld when Kramer dropped a junior mint on someone being operated on…

  2. I think the tumour needs a name. ‘Git’ or ‘Vanquished’ or ‘Eric’. Or something much better….

  3. What a spoilsport – that would really improve my stats! Maybe we can compromise by asking The Business to strap a webcam to his forehead.

  4. Live tweets would have made you an instant internet legend!

    +1 for giving it/him/her a name – may I suggest “Adolf”?

    1. I’ve been considering Russell due to my aversion to Russell Brand, but Adolf is also a very good choice.

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