Last night I dreamed that B was on Take Me Out.
For the uninitiated Take Me Out is a cheesy dating show which screens on Saturday nights in the prime pre-X Factor slot. A line-up of 30 attractive young single women are presented with a series of single men for their consideration, titillation and derision.
The girls each stand in front of a lit podium. The hapless bloke introduces himself, then a video is played in which his friends and family sing his praises. Sometimes he demonstrates a special talent. This could be anything from playing air guitar to swinging on a trapeze. The other week one fellow sheared a sheep.
The girls have the option of turning their light off at any point during these proceedings, thereby removing themselves from the running. ‘No likey, no lighty!’
In the final round the roles are reversed, with the boy choosing which of the remaining girls he wants to take with him on a date to ‘The Isle of Fernandos’ (a fictional location which is actually Tenerife).
The girls are quite brash, witty and northern, a terrifying combination. They are also extremely fussy. Often one of the young men will say something pleasant and innocuous like ‘I love animals’ or ‘I respect my mum’ which is immediately met with a frantic turning out of lights.
The host is affable fool Paddy McGuinness, who comes out with ridiculous ‘Paddyisms’ during the show such as ‘Let the plum see the pudding, ‘Let the bubble see the squeak’ etc.
My explanation doesn’t really do it justice. You have to see it.
The details of my dream are hazy but it’s very amusing to imagine B on this show. It’s just as ludicrous to imagine me as one of the women.
After Paddy shouts ‘Single man, reveal yourself!’ B would descend in the Love Lift to the song of his choosing – something odd by Radiohead or Tom Waits. At this point the likely lad usually busts a few moves in front of the ladies to show off his physique in his ultra-tight shirt and jeans. It’s inconceivable to imagine B doing this. He’d cut to the chase with ‘Hello ladies, I’m B and I’m from London!’
On the video his parents would talk about his ability to speak 3 languages, his PhD in Physics and how well he’s coped with his brain tumour diagnosis (in German, subtitled). His special skill would involve applying a complicated Vlookup function to an Excel spreadsheet.
I think it would be a ‘blackout’ by this point, but the ladies wouldn’t realise what they’re missing. It’s a good thing B isn’t up for grabs and would never appear on this show in a million years. If tv dating was the only option, we’d never have met. Thank goodness for matching algorithms on internet dating sites – romance the old fashioned way.