My days with the norovirus afforded me plenty of solitary time to consider potential New Years resolutions, the first of which is ‘spend less time in the bathroom’.

I never make resolutions about health, diet or fitness. I’ve had a pervading sense of dissatisfaction about those things my entire adult life and I’ll be damned if I’m going to give that up now.

I believe that resolutions should be both trivial and achievable. To that end I have set 4.

1. Integrate previously ignored parts of the pig into my regular cooking

Pork belly, ribs and cheek – all good cuts but I never buy them. I considered adding trotters but decided against it. I’m not against offal by any means but gnawing on an animal’s foot doesn’t seem quite right. I’ll happily bite a chunk out of the face though.


 2. Use YouTube to screen ‘next big thing’ indie bands to avoid wasting £10 on CDs I can’t stand

For example, Dirty Projectors, much lauded by The Guardian and duly purchased by yours truly. In a review of their album ‘Swing Lo Magellan’ I read ‘The humming and clapping intro sounds like a joke, but then it turns out that Dirty Projectors are deadly serious and actually onto something here’. This is a lie. They aren’t onto anything. My heart sank when I saw the casually hip CD cover featuring the band members talking to one of their neighbours. I needn’t even have played it.


I’ve made the same ‘buy now, listen and regret later’ mistake with Bon Iver and Mumford & Sons.

 3. Finish setting up password security app

Six months ago I purchased an app designed to hold all my banking and Internet passwords, accessible by one central password. Like most people I use just a few passwords for everything. Very bad. However, the task upgrading and recording my password security has proved enormous. I started it and then gave up. What I now have is several scraps of paper that I need to transcribe into the app. This is far less secure than the half guessed, half remembered, often cursed system of the past.

 4. Refrain from visibly shaking my head, rolling my eyes and audibly sighing when I overhear the conversations of young people on public transport

It makes me seem like I’m 80 and it could get me stabbed. Best to internalise.




  1. Tatielane · · Reply

    Marvellous. Mine are:
    1. Eat everything out of the freezer.
    2. File an Australian tax return for 2009. It has been 4 years now.
    3. Keep an exercise diary. Yes, I know… but I haven’t actually committed to doing any exercise, only to recording my failure to do so.

    1. These are pretty good, but be careful of botulism (from the freezer food, not the tax return).

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